the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
