please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
