i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
