Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
