How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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