My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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