I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
