Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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