This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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