Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
