I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
