The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
