is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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