I'm jealous of your bromance
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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