Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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