Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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