just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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