true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
