You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
