He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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