My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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