If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
