i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
