he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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