i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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