Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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