we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
