Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
