I accidentally had phone sex last night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
