I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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