it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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