I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
