Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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