there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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