Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
