the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
