He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You can't just leave with hair like that
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
