I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
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I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
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And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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