dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
