around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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