I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Boobs are out for the taking
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
