i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
