Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
