I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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