Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
