HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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