I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
