someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
