I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
