my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.