I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
