Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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