i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
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Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
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I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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