the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
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We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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