My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
