i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
