Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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