Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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