We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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