It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
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"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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